Pitchcast

Style note: my writing has been rather coldly analytical to my ears lately. I blame my usual mimic habit, as I'm currently reading A Confederacy of Dunces and it sounds exactly the same to me. I can't wait until I read some 60's Spider-Man again so I can go back to sounding like a swinging hep cat. Or whatever.

Went to a show at the Comedy Bar tonight to watch a podcast recording. Energy levels were all around low- for me, the participants, everyone. I slumped down in a comfy leather couch near the back and stayed there. The premise of the show is that the two hosts and their three guests (who knows how many they ordinarily have, doesn't matter) get thrown a random title or actor or actress or genre or more than one of those options or all of those options, and then you get five minutes to pitch that movie.

The first pitch was about Vin Diesel, not sure what other specifics there were, but he was made President of the United States. Okay, fair enough. And he had to contend with werewolves. Again, fair enough. In addition, they were SECRET werewolves, government style, a program apparently started by John F. Kennedy.

AND THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE!!! No way, no WAY do you make a story about werewolves sponsored by the government, by the JFK presidency, and fail to mention THE SPACE RACE! I know it's a just for fun proposal made up on the spot... but come on! You were the guy the picked Kennedy! Work with your own material!

I'm blanking on what the other host pitched, which is fine, the hosts were the weakpoint here. Jimmy told the tale of John Goodman as a NASA scientist who has to fake a Mars landing to prove his job means something and therefore earning the respect of his family, who otherwise just believe he's avoiding them and wasting time. Featuring Benedict Cumberpatch as an under-utilized scientist character, and Tom Arnold as an OVER utilized friend along for the ride. The end result is the fake Mars landing gets walked in on, blowing the cover, and his family leaves him. But it turns out he's happier without them, going off fishing with Tom Arnold. Happy ending.

The second featured... forget the lead actress, but it also had Matt Damon. The project is called "Hottie on a Body" and revolves around a gypsy curse that ends up sticking Damon's disrespectful face on the stomach of the lead actress. Wackiness ensues, and eventually Damon learns just how hard it is for a woman to succeed in this workaday world.

Lastly was "Peeping Tom" starring Halle Berry and Alec Baldwin (I wanted Halle peeping on Alec so as to subvert audience expectations, but sadly this was not the case). Baldwin lives across the alley from Berry with adjoining windows. So obviously he gets obsessed with her, buys all sorts of equipment for watching her (telescope and binoculars)- but she's a lesbian and a rascist, so she'll NEVER get together with him. Apparently she's involved with the NEW Black Panthers, so Baldwin sneaks in while disguised in obvious blackface. The deception is immediately seen through, leading to the hands down funniest line of the night:

Halle Berry: "You're in blackface!!!"

Alec Baldwin: "Yeah, well YOU'RE RASCIST!!"

Amazing. So the two have a fist fight, Baldwin gets his legs broken, and so guilts Berry into sleeping with him, which naturally ends with her getting pregnant, and so they end up sharing custody. This theoretical picture was likened to Oscar winning film "Crash". So take that Crash.